Remember that this is unedited text -- like "letters to the editor." Identifying information, such as names, has been removed; but otherwise it is posted here pretty much as it came in. So read it as personal opinion shared with warm intentions but without authority of any kind.
My sex drive fluctuates from day to day which I think has a lot to do with nursing my 2 1/2 year old. I try to take advantage of my up days and so whenever I am in the mood we have sex during my son's nap time or after he is asleep. Most nights my husband goes to bed before my son and so I wake him up. On my down days I may still go ahead and do it if my husband seems like he is feeling neglected. It really takes a lot of effort, but it is well worth it when my husband leaves me little thank-you notes in the morning before he leaves for work.
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A study published in 2000 found wide variation in breastfeeding mothers' responses to questions about breastfeeding's effect on their sexuality. The overall responses were somewhat more negative than positive, but not overwhelmingly so. (Avery MD, Duckett L, Frantzich CR, The experience of sexuality during breastfeeding among primiparous women, Journal of Midwifery & Woman's Health, 45(3) May/June 2000, 233)
I've realised that any nursing child will wake for night-time feeds if they're sleeping with you. When I've needed my space, in later pregnancy, or, with the third newborn, my husband has gone onto night duty, and slept with the other child/ren. This has worked well for our family, although I admit that it makes us a little more distant at the time. Many other cultures do this, and it seems to me that when a baby is little, it does take priority over the marital relationship for a time. Getting back together is important too! Actually, what we did do over this time was go out regularly together, plus baby, to a local cafe after dinner, for a talk and some time together. We had a babysitter for the others, and the baby was very obliging, as long as he was on the breast -- he became quite a fixture- until he became mobile. When he was just over 2, I put him into bed with his 2 sisters, and he'll sleep until 4 or 5, come in for a nurse, and sleep to 7. We both enjoy waking up with him, but get a bit of space back in the evenings. I remember that the girls didn't reliably sleep through until 3 to 4.
My husband and I vehemently disagree about nursing our son. My husband is of the"old school," that nursing a 4 year old is gross, over-indulgent and out of line. I sense an INTENSE need from my son to nurse. Several times a day, long nursings, and morning and bedtime are non-negotiable. There are other issues in our marriage, of course, so I think breastfeeding gets the brunt of it sometimes. I feel torn between my primary relationship with my husband, and the primary timely intense requirements towards my young children, who will not always be so young. Can I sacrifice what *they* need, in order to compromise with my husband? I have decided not to.
It was harder for my husband to understand why I didn't want to get back on the birth control pills [after the baby's first six months]. I was sick of carrying the extra weight (still am). After 6 months it seemed like the novelty of total giving was starting to wear off for my husband, so that meant increased pressure for me. "When are things going to return to normal?" I think this is when the reality sinks in that parenting means growth and change -- but there is no garentee that two people will grow in the same direction! Any suggestions for couples would be appreciated -- namely how do you know if this is a normal adjustment or a serious problem? It's not the sex folks are concerned with these days -- even before the first baby with more women in the workforce most couples were too exhausted for sex on a regular basis. The big question is how to be a team, when perhaps now She and He are leading such different days, or if She is still working outside the home, then why is her inner life so different when their daytimes are so similar? ... My husband is very judgmental about the number of times I put baby to breast.
A mother with experience nursing through toddlerhood comments: If you're looking for sexual gratification, there are certainly lots more efficient and effective ways to get it than from nursing a toddler!
One college-student/mother writes about her "'totally unscientific survey' of about 10 people on whether they had ever experienced this (sexual arousal from breastfeeding) everyone said no. When I asked if they had heard about it from others, there were a few yesses. A couple told of mothers who stopped nursing toddlers because of this. One said she thought she might have experienced this once with her toddler, but that it might also have been part of a dream. I haven't heard any other accounts that give any details or when or the circumstances or how often. Most references say 'some women say...' I wonder about the possible role of hormones and returning fertility; about changes in frequency of nursing and even style of nursing; I also wonder about the role of culture and of personal expectation. Are mothers who hear that nursing may be sexually arousing more likely to experience it themselves? References to this topic seem to have changed over the years--more of them in the 1980s and earlier."
Another writes: "I experienced this recently... It's happened mildly more than once, but there is one time in particular that was a bit more 'annoying.' :) I got my period back when my little girl was 23 months old (she is 26 months old now). Perhaps some hormones or something to do with the return of fertility partly helps explain why I felt aroused. I think it may also have something to do with the way she breastfeeds... she seems to suck differently sometimes... more lightly, perhaps closer to the nipple... we aren't so careful with positioning these days as we used to be! ;-)
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A study of 576 mothers in Michigan found: "Sexual arousal while breastfeeding never occurred for 59.4%, occurred infrequently for 23.7%, and more frequently for 16.7% of the participants. One woman (0.2%) reported always being aroused while breattfeeding." (Avery MD, Duckett L, Frantzich CR, The experience of sexuality during breastfeeding among primiparous women, Journal of Midwifery & Woman's Health, 45(3) May/June 2000, 233)
I loved your book [1982 edition] and would have loved to have showed it to my mother-in-law and others. However, there was one part in it that discussed sensual pleasure derived from nursing -- it said that one woman even claimed to have had an orgasm while nursing. Please consider taking that part out! My mother-in-law had already insinuated that was my reason for nursing. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Nursing was hard work for me, a pleasure only because it made me feel good that I was doing the right thing for my child. As you said, it's the best investment you can make for your child.
Your question on nursing burn-out reminds me of a true story. I was in a toddler league meeting and the subject of low sex drive came up. All the usual explanations came out. The mom kept nodding dully, as if she was gaining reassurance on the outside, but not the inside. After about 10 minutes of discussion all around the room, I looked at this dear mom and asked : "do you like him (her husband)?" Tears just leaked out. A few weeks later this mom let me know that she and her husband had talked and were much better.
I have a low sexual desire. It was close to non-existent while I was pregnant and nursing. When we had three children, and I was not nursing, I had little desire for sex. My husband would pressure and we compromised. We are in our 50's now and HIS desire is much lower than before. We have reached a good time with the home to outselves most of the time. Life is good!
The following has to do with children rather than
parents:
Notes and quotes from a study of childhood masturbation, "defined as self-stimulation of the genitalia in a prepubertal child, frequently accompanied by symptons like sweating, flushing and tachypnoea."
The duration of breast-feeding
was shorter in the group with childhood masturbation. "The beginning of
the masturbation process was significantly related to weaning, but not
to pacifier usage. These data emphasize the importance of bodily contact
and emotional support rather than the nursing action itself. Nursing
provides not only nutrition but also sensory and emotional satisfaction.
Combined with the fact that a reduction of time the mother spent with
her child will cause further frustration, it is possible to speculate
that masturbation is related to the loss of comforting contact."
Other factors significantly
related to this behavior included genito-urinary irritation, a stressful
event like weaning, separation from parents or the birth of a new
sibling. (Unal F. Predisposing factors in childhood masturbation in Turkey. European journal of pediatrics 159(5) May 2000, 338-42.)