Tandem Nursing

Remember that this is unedited text -- like "letters to the editor." Identifying information, such as names, has been removed; but otherwise it is posted here pretty much as it came in. So read it as personal opinion shared with warm intentions but without authority of any kind.

I didn't know how I would feel about tandem nursing, I just decided to see how it went, and go from there, one day at a time. Some days I felt tandem nursing was awful, other days I thought it was a godsend. I tandem nursed my two children for 18 months. What I will always treasure in my memories of that brief but intense time was watching my three year old reach across my lap to hold his baby sister's hand. She looked up, still nursing, and smiled. I knew then that all of the hard times of tandem nursing were worth it--that this was a special love bond that the two of them were able to share with each other.

[When the 15 1/2 month old big brother saw me nursing the new baby] in "our" chair, he threw himself down on the floor and sobbed. I made room for him on my lap and nursed them together for the first time. He curled his body around hers and reached across my lap to take her hand. As they nursed together they gazed into each other's eyes and I could see a special bond was being formed. That sweet memory has helped me through many a challenging afternoon.

At first, it was a struggle for us. My son, then 18 mos. wanted to nurse whenever his newborn sister was put to the breast. After a few times of nursing both together, during which he was trying to push her away, I stopped and tried another tactic. My daughter slept well from about 2-7 am every night. When my son awoke about 6:30, we would nurse while the water boiled for his hot cereal, and then switch sides while it cooled. That 20-30 min.. every morning was enough to waylay the ugly green monster for the rest of the day. We could cuddle while his sister nursed, and he was able to accept her and her need to nurse. We tandem nursed about 14 months. My son and daughter are very close, insisting on having their beds next to each other, and having "hugging contests" as part of their play. It is amusing now to see my 26 month old daughter get jealous when her big brother wants some cuddle time.

I tandem nurse our 3.6 and 5.6 girls *a lot* and we all love it!! When my daughter was 1.6 I checked out your book from the LLL because I wanted to learn more about tandem nursing and nursing an older child.
Your book helped me out at the time and we have been happily nursing ever since!! I have learned since then, from being on the Internet, that there are a lot more older children nursing, that it is a lot more common now.
I just want to let you know I am here, because I am a Mother who *adores* tandem nursing my 2 precious angels.I really can't put into words how special and beautiful it is for us.

I was still nursing my 2-1/2 year old when my second baby was born. Up until that time breastfeeding had been a totally positive experience. I had every intention of letting my older child wean naturally. After the new baby was born, my feelings changed and I began to resent my older child's nursing. I would reread MYNT and be encouraged to keep going because I could see that my son really needed to nurse. I struggled for 8 or 9 months until I finally just couldn't go on and I weaned my older child. It's hard for me to describe how I felt. It was something about the physical sensation of his mouth on my nipple. Maybe it was that his suck was more vigorous compared to the new baby. I just hated nursing him. It made the hair on my arms stand up. It was awful. I don't know what made me feel this way because before my second child was born I thoroughly enjoyed nursing my older one. I think the new version of MYNT should address the inexplicable negative feelings some mothers develop about breastfeeding their toddler when a new baby is born. Reading MYNT always made me feel very guilty when I was considering weaning my older child.

We were at a happy point in our nursing relationship: just nursing for naptime and bedtime. This all went out the window when my new baby was born. I had heard she (my toddler) would probably ask to nurse more but was not prepared for how emotionally draining this would be. Tandem nursing is such a complicated issue for me. On the one hand, I want my daughter to lead the way in weaning. On the other hand, I am very tired of this phase in my life when I struggle just to get my meals eaten! Every time I am sitting down at a meal she asks to nurse. Which is fine, long ago I learned to nurse and eat simultaneously, but then when her little brother cries I want to nurse him of course, but if I nurse them both simultaneously, I can't eat, and sometimes I am starving. So it boils down to whose needs do I put first. Sometimes I am willing to put mine aside and sometimes I'm not.

For awhile, she refused to nurse while he was nursing. That was hard to just listen to her cry. Naptime became very frustrating because I would put my son down, and then go to nurse my daughter and then the baby would sometimes wake up quickly and I would have to disturb my daughter to go back and get him. She would feel slighted sometimes because I had promised her a nursing after the baby was done and now he was interrupting it.

I was not prepared for how "weird" it feels to nurse two babies simultaneously. The feeling makes my skin crawl! It's hard to describe, I feel sexual and vulnerable while nursing two. Reading a book helps to distract me, and fortunately I can do that while nursing two. I was also not prepared for how "trapped'" I would feel to have two babies so attached to me.

No matter how much I intellectually support nursing (I'm an LLLL), and I usually generally enjoy it, there come times when I want to scream if I have to nurse yet another child, yet again. I have a 3.5 year old and a 3 month old -- both nursing. The older is nursing almost as much as the baby, and some days all it seems I do is nurse. There are times when I barely make it to the bathroom in time -- you know what it's like: you're sure the child is 99% asleep and if you just let them nurse a bit more they'll be really asleep and you can put them down or put your sling on without a bout of tears. But instead of falling into a deep sleep, the child keeps dozing, and dozing and your bladder keeps sending more and more urgent messages! But back to the burnout, there are times when the only way I can nurse is if I don't pay any attention to what I'm doing. So, I read or work on the computer while nursing. When I'm not feeling so cranky about nursing, I enjoy giving it my full attention and gazing into my child's eyes but there are times when I have to either tune it out or I can't nurse at all. This tends to happen more with the older one and since it is clearly important for her to continue nursing, it is a compromise we have reached. In fact there are times when I encourage her to nurse so that I can read something or work on the computer! Disassociating oneself from one's body is sometimes useful when breastfeeding is uncomfortable.

It's just very hard to understand my daughter's increased demands for nursing and be patient with her when she nurses as much as he does! In some ways I feel like I've created a monster who is only satisfied by nursing. And I can only talk about it to other tandem nurser mothers, because I feel other people just wouldn't understand.

Well, lest you think I'm totally negative, here are my tips to making tandem nursing more bearable:

1. Nurse the infant in the sling so the toddler doesn't see you nursing.
2. Start a play group for the toddler that rotates to other mothers' houses. I think kids start to get bored around age 2 with their own house. Having a few little friends over, for my daughter, or sending her off, every morning helps to keep her busy, especially if the friends are a little older than she is.
3. Fix easy meals. Put your soup in a mug so you can drink it and have one hand free to nurse in the sling standing up. Vegetarian meals are usually easier than dealing with meat, especially if it's raw. Many stores nowadays sell vegetables and fruit already cut up and ready to eat. I'm willing to pay more for this service to give me more time. Time is at a premium when tandem nursing.
4. For naps, drive the kids to sleep. This is the best way to insure that both will fall asleep at the same time and stay asleep for me. You can then park in your driveway, and sleep too! Sometimes I fix something for lunch that I can eat while driving, like a pita bread sandwich, to save time.
5. Have a nursing station, ideally a couch, with lots of pillows, where you can comfortably nurse two simultaneously. Have water, tissues, and reading material for you and the toddler handy to make these sessions enjoyable.
6. I get very thirsty nursing two, so I keep water bottles at several different spots all though the house.
7. When the toddler asks to nurse, see if what she wants is actually food, water, a story, or someone to play with. Many times you can read, play, etc. with one hand and nurse with the other, especially if you use a sling.
8. Realize the advantage you have. At least if you're nursing the toddler you don't have to worry about what she's off getting into.
9. Remember too that this will pass and children do grow up. We only have one chance to make their childhood as sweet, innocent, loving, and as memorable as possible.

This will be quick as I have a crying 3-year-old waiting for me!! I loved your book but hope you will put MORE about tandem nursing in the second. I had nowhere to turn with my questions, i.e. do I need to clean the nipple between siblings (I learned quick not to!! I was too lazy)?

During the day, we used a nursing pillow and both in football hold. The position we seemed to use most was the baby in the cradle hold and the toddler in football hold position. I tried this one the opposite way with the toddler in cradle position, but neither was happy with that.

Before I had my son I never thought I would nurse for more than a year. When that time came we had just completed a move from South Africa to the US, and the only constant in his life was me and nursing. So I decided to let him wean when he was ready. When I got pregnant I thought he might wean, but he showed no interest in stopping. Then when I was 8 months pregnant, he went back to SA to stand up in his Uncle's wedding. They were gone 10 days. I expressed to keep up my supply if he wanted to nurse when he came back, but since he didn't seem to miss it, I thought he was done for sure. I picked them up at the airport, and he was happy to see me, but didn't mention nursing. However as soon as we got home, that was the first thing he asked for. I have been tandem nursing now for almost 11 months, and am so glad that I didn't wean him. My children get along great, and it has made my life much easier.

I have a five month old baby and a two year old toddler. My toddler will always want to nurse as soon as her baby brother starts to fuss because of course he needs to nurse. I do not like nursing both at the same time and cannot handle hearing a baby cry. I get my daughter distracted with one of her dolls and then nurse the baby. But she doesn't play with just one baby at these times, she plays with two. She will nurse one baby and then after a few minutes put that baby down and pick up the other and say, "It's your turn." and nurse the other baby. Watching her do what I do is very cute, but at the same time it makes me feel very guilty.

By the time my second daughter was born, my oldest was basically nursing only for nap and to fall asleep at night, maybe once or twice during night, not sure. So, when my second was born, she ended up nursing more, as I'd ask her to nurse when I was engorged, and she was happy to oblige. I never had trouble with her nursing too much, and not eating, as I've heard some nurslings doing. Anyway, for nap time, I would nurse them both at the same time, so they'd both fall asleep at the same time, and then I could fall asleep :-) I am currently doing the same now, but it's harder when my 6-year-old is home, because I can't keep track of her while napping. My 3-year-old daughter only nurses at nap time, but she doesn't always take naps now, which my oldest didn't eliminate for quite a while.

In the delivery room, I had one, out of a whole group of attendants, comment something to the effect of "you're going to give her all your colostrum?!" as I was tandem nursing. I knew what I was doing was "safe" and remained positive. After all, my daughter had already nursed through my pregnancy and labor. I did call in a Lactation Consultant to confirm that all was well with my colostrum! She reassured me that my milk had adjusted for preterm baby and reminded about feeding him first. She also supported the fact that toddler could maintain my milk supply since the new baby was in NICU.

After his brother's birth my toddler came into our bedroom and protested me giving the baby his some. "My some" he said. Both my parents and in-laws were there and they panicked "what will you do?" and they gave me the "see what nursing so long does" looks and comments. I reassured everyone that we had discussed this with him and asked everyone to leave. I talked it over with my 2-year-old. He wanted to nurse so we tried. He sucked a few times then let go and laughed. "There's milk in there! How you do that?" He never asked to nurse again but still needed mummy at night so I slept between the toddler and baby for months. It took a day or so before he adjusted to baby needing mummy but this is the same for many children I'm sure. He was a high need baby who has always had trouble with any transition or change.

When the baby was two months old he got chicken pox. While I waited for the older child to get it I started offering this two year old expressed breast milk in a cup in hopes my antibodies would protect him from a severe case of chicken pox. Well he got two hundred spots but liked the "mummy milk". So he continued to get expressed breast milk every day for the rest of that winter. I felt I had deprived him of the benefits of breast milk by weaning and this made me feel better.

I am currently nursing my 10-month-old and my 3-year-old. I struggled very much with the tandem part as I put pressure on the older one "since I have a new baby you need to grow up a little quicker" as well as a strong feeling of outright disgust at his nursing. (sometimes I even cried although not so he could see) The double stimulation was o.k. sometimes but I mostly preferred one at a time. I am past everything at this point and it was well worth it, but I continued to search for the psychological impact of nursing the older one and any negative repercussions of setting limits, sibling rivalry etc. Since women seem to be having babies closer together these days, tandem nursing could become more common and like myself I know these mothers will be searching for the answers to their natural instincts.

Even though I am a passionate breastfeeding advocate, ... I do still struggle with a little bit of embarrassment. When he was a year, I was proud that I was still nursing him, and it was a little sad to me that I knew so few people who nursed their babies that long. Then he was two, and I was still very pleased with nursing him. Then I was pregnant and BF a 2-year-old, and started having to explain to people that it was OK to nurse during pregnancy, and no, I wasn't going to make him wean before the baby was born. Then it was tandem nursing: a newborn who (frustratingly) did not want to nurse often enough, and an almost 3-year-old. who wanted to nurse CONSTANTLY. Now I'm tandem nursing two kids, not babies, who insist on sitting on either side of me (they have their favorite side, and when one starts to nurse first, they usually invite the other to join, like it's social time), and I guess I'm beyond burning out.

When he is nursed, I want to hold just him, and look into his eyes, and whisper sweet nothings. It isn't an assembly-line. On occasion, I've called in my husband or eldest to entertain the baby so I can give a few minutes' nursing or playing or book-reading to the middle child, without clamor from the smallest. The valid needs of each member are facets polished into the jewel called family, that takes its glow from precious human warmth and consideration.

In the early weeks my toddler would ask to breastfeed every time she saw the baby nursing which resulted in her having yellow bm's for a few days. I fed them both on demand. During the day, most feedings were simultaneous alternating sides at the next feeding. When baby fed alone then I would switch sides during feeding. But, now that they are both toddlers, the older one has tried to claim "her side". She tells me which is her side and which is her brother's -- usually the same side, but not always. She also has come up to me and asked, "Did [brother] drink this one?" If I say yes she goes to other side. Once I said no and he actually had that side last. She started to suck and pulled off to say "YUCK! He did have this one!"

I have sometimes found simultaneous nursing to be almost as awkward as nursing in labor. Sometimes we can get positioned cozily and the boys pat each others' hands, and it is charming. But generally, nursing two at once makes my skin crawl. I feel put-upon, and not so motherly, like the piglet feeder in the movie "Babe." Over time, through distraction and letting daddy help with bedtime (I can go work out at 7 and the older boys will be asleep when I return), the middle child's nursings have gradually reduced.

Nighttime was a challenge. My toddler woke many times in the night and was not used to waiting. And, of course, the baby could not wait. One night, while I was lying down to breastfeed the baby, the toddler climbed up on my side, and held my "milkie" to breastfeed back to sleep. We have continued to use this modified side-lying position at night. We foundly call it the "honey tree"! One time while in this postion she told me she was"up, up" and the baby was "down, down, to the ground" . She eventually started asking me if she could climb the honey tree which meant she wanted to breastfeed in this position. Pretty clever...my two year old created a new position for tandem nursing at night called the honey tree position!

I have never enjoyed the sensation of nursing both kids simultaneously. I do it quite often, though, to save time. I had a stubborn bout of thrush when my second was born, and I wonder if chronic, (essentially) asymptomatic yeast could be the reason it doesn't feel good to nurse both at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to feel good (time with each one individually, older one needing to wean when younger one gets older...). I don't know.

I became pregnant when my daughter was 2 3/4 yrs. My breasts were constantly sore and my nipples were extremely sensitive. I resented her each time she asked to nurse. What made the matter worse was that she was too young to empathize with my pain so it was difficult to shorten the nursing. In fact that made things worse.
There were moments when tandem nursing had its advantages. At times it made up for the guilty feelings of not enjoying the nursings. She certainly lit up when I would ask her to relieve engorgement. And of course it helped smooth the 'sibling rivalry'. When she weaned one year later she insisted I comfort my youngest at the breast immediately.
I must have read your book dozens of times looking for comfort and acceptance that my feelings (the anger felt so primal) were normal. I would like to see much more material dedicated to nursing beyond the 3rd year. I needed to feel forgiveness for my (I'm almost ashamed to admit) hateful (sometimes, toward the last 6 months I mostly felt resentful) feelings. I felt comfort in the paragraph that talks about mother apes that push away their young to hasten weaning. I most certainly needed more material.
Thank you Norma Jane Bumgarner for you words of support, enlightenment, and wisdom. I am now nursing the younger one, who is 21 months. Since I am not planning another pregnancy, it will be interesting to see how if at all my feelings toward nursing change as she grows.

Another mother's thoughtful discussion of Tandem nursing

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